"It is pure rebellion against God when women seek gender equality in Marriage" - Female marriage counsellor

Mrs. Lovett Obiakalusi is a life coach and marriage counsellor. She is the founder of Every Child Counts project. She believes that, for a family to function or exist properly, it should comply with God’s words, and sees herself as an advocate for truth and the justice of the scriptures. She does not believe in gender equality; however, she is quick to say that women have every right to aspire to the highest position in their workplaces and society, like men.

She spoke to Daily Sun recently on a wide range of issues.

People see you as a zealot, going by the way you preach the message of submission in marriage. What is your take on that?

I disagree completely with the view. I am a strong believer in balance because, in everything you do in life, there is need for balance. However, there are things on earth that you cannot compromise. First is truth, second is value. In whatever you do, you should not compromise value and truth.

People look at things from different perspectives but, no matter the perspective that you view it from, you must not compromise on truth. For me, in marriage, you need two things: love from the man and submission from the woman. The Bible, which is the standard for every believer, says that the wise woman builds her home but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. I believe that much of the pressure is on the woman to build her home. I have come to understand that a lot of women want to assume the position of men by not being submissive.

What is submission and how is it different from control?

Submission is willingly laying down your rights. You are not under any compulsion or coercion to do that. You understand that you don’t have to do so but you do it for the sake of peace. I have often told people that I don’t believe in gender equality, especially when it comes to the family. You can aspire to the highest level like the man in the workplace but, when it comes to the home, you cannot change God’s order. It is a command. The bible says, “wives, submit to your own husbands.”

All these problems are caused by the influence of Western education. I think that most of us have lost moral foundation. We must understand that all instructions of the scripture are for our good. If God says that a woman must be submissive in order to be happy and at peace in her family, why do you want to fight against God? It is pure rebellion.

He says submit to your own husband, and then, the man, “love your wife as much as Christ loves the church and laid down his life for her;” so, for the woman, it is even less. The man (duty) is practical death. It literally means he is supposed to die for the woman, but if we don’t understand these things, it will not just work.

The message of submission is a very strong and powerful one. As difficult as it may sound, it is the only way to run a happy home. It is built on wisdom. If you understand the mystery of submission, you would have a blissful marriage all your life. I have been married for about 25 years and still counting. Without sounding immodest, I must say that it still feels fresh and brand new every day. Submission has made my marriage blossom day after day.

A man needs to be respected and his respect comes from the woman’s submission. Rebellion from the woman gives the man heartbreak. Humility, respect, love and patience have remained the major components of submission. If you define each one of them,  you would find out that, when you submit to a man, it authomatically translates to respect. When you respect a man, it translates to love. It is not enough to say “I love you, I love you” endlessly. You must respect the man even when he is a cripple, deaf or in whatever physical disability. If you are respectful, humble and patient with him, you will have a beautiful marriage. Just play the fool. Some people say that I am not wise, and I agree with them. I am not wise, yet I have a beautiful marriage.

My husband feels safe with me. He can let me in on anything but, when you always challenge your man and keep disobeying him, even if he owns the world, he will not leave anything in your name because he does not feel safe with you. Invariably, he will leave nothing in your care.

Why did you choose restructuring of relationships and marriage as your top priority?

I think that the media have not been very helpful in terms of marriage and relationships. We have too many negative videos  and views regarding relationships and marriages in the media so the young ones are confused as to what the right values are. Titus, Chapter 3, says that the older women should teach the upcoming  generation how to manage their homes.

There are so many unfit mothers today. While some are busy pursuing eternal youthfulness, self-absorbed or chasing money, others are wasting their time on running around town showing off their wealth and beauty, leaving their duty posts to total strangers. There is a very big vacuum and there are no appropriate messages passed to the young ones. What mothers are after is how to get some rich suitors for their daughters and arrange for flamboyant weddings. Unfortunately, they start shopping for their female children too early and negatively, too. Something needs to me done immediately and fast to help society get back its values or we are doomed. It is time to restore hope and dignity to the family and human race. The best place to start is with the up-coming generation.

I took up this challenge to restore peace and joy in the home. We need to start restructuring and re-engineering the mindset of the next generation so they know what the right values are. In a nutshell, I saw a yawning gap that needed to be bridged because of the rate and level of confusion in the minds of young people.

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